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Mexican Jesus Candle Race Results

FIRST CANDLE SNUFFED: JUSTO JUEZ

PLUG: I've got some bad news.

JESSICA: What?

PLUG: Your candle's out of the race.

JESSICA: Why us?

PLUG: Your candle was the first one to go.

JESSICA: Man! That sucks.

SETH: Yeah. You said it was going well for us.

PLUG: Yeah. I can't tell.

SETH: He's already recording. You're such a sneaky little devil.

PLUG: I'm getting people's reactions.

SETH: Well, why don't you tell people before you start recording?

PLUG: Because! Why don't you?

 
 

SECOND TO GO: VIRGEN DE GUADELUPE

PLUG: I have bad news.

PATTI: What?

PLUG: Your candle was the second to go.

PATTI: Aww! When did it happen?

PLUG: It lasted five days and four hours.

PATTI: I really thought I was going to win.

PLUG: The power of the virgin? No.

PATTI: ‘Cause you know, Jesus died before Mary did.

PLUG: Is that right?

THIRD PLACE: LA MANO MAS PODEROSA

JAY: Had I come in last place, I would have called my friends assholes. Had I won, my friends would have called me an asshole. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

 

 
 

RUNNER UP: SAN RAMÓN [NOODLÉS]

PLUG: Your candle didn’t win.

JENN: What the fuck are you talking about?!

PLUG: You came in second place. And you know what? You only lost by, like, an hour.

JENN: Was it Jason’s?

PLUG: It was Jason’s.

JENN: [yelling] You fucker! – I was at a disadvantage because my candle was in the middle, okay?

PLUG: You should have been at a disadvantage because you thought your candle was supposed to go out, and not last long. So in actuality, you did pretty damn good.

JENN: I don’t know where you got these rules from. That’s how we do it up north. It’s just not fair.

THE ALMIGHTY WINNER: SACRED HEART OF JESUS

PLUG: I just wanted to tell you the news.

JASON: What news?

PLUG: Your Mexican Jesus Candle beat them all.

JASON: Yes! Wow! That makes me a lot happier than it should.

PLUG: I really can't explain it. I think it's an act of God.

JASON: It is. It's Jesus.

PLUG: Err, Jesus or whoever does that stuff. I'm not really sure.

JASON: Son of God.

PLUG: Son of God, yeah. That sounds good.

 

Introduction

Meet The Candles

Let The Race Begin

... Then Joke.
Issue #45