Mexican Jesus Candle Race Results
FIRST CANDLE SNUFFED: JUSTO JUEZ
PLUG: I've got some bad news.
PLUG: Your candle's out of the race.
JESSICA: Why us?
PLUG: Your candle was the first one to go.
JESSICA: Man! That sucks.
SETH: Yeah. You said it was going well for us.
PLUG: Yeah. I can't tell.
SETH: He's already recording. You're such a sneaky little devil.
PLUG: I'm getting people's reactions.
SETH: Well, why don't you tell people before you start recording?
PLUG: Because! Why don't you?
SECOND TO GO: VIRGEN DE GUADELUPE
PLUG: I have bad news.
PLUG: Your candle was the second to go.
PATTI: Aww! When did it happen?
PLUG: It lasted five days and four hours.
PATTI: I really thought I was going to win.
PLUG: The power of the virgin? No.
PATTI: ‘Cause you know, Jesus died before Mary did.
PLUG: Is that right?
THIRD PLACE: LA MANO MAS PODEROSA
JAY: Had I come in last place, I would have called my friends assholes. Had I won, my friends would have called me an asshole. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
RUNNER UP: SAN RAMÓN [NOODLÉS]
PLUG: Your candle didn’t win.
JENN: What the fuck are you talking about?!
PLUG: You came in second place. And you know what? You only lost by, like, an hour.
JENN: Was it Jason’s?
PLUG: It was Jason’s.
JENN: [yelling] You fucker! – I was at a disadvantage because my candle was in the middle, okay?
PLUG: You should have been at a disadvantage because you thought your candle was supposed to go out, and not last long. So in actuality, you did pretty damn good.
JENN: I don’t know where you got these rules from. That’s how we do it up north. It’s just not fair.
THE ALMIGHTY WINNER: SACRED HEART OF JESUS
PLUG: I just wanted to tell you the news.
JASON: What news?
PLUG: Your Mexican Jesus Candle beat them all.
JASON: Yes! Wow! That makes me a lot happier than it should.
PLUG: I really can't explain it. I think it's an act of God.
JASON: It is. It's Jesus.
PLUG: Err, Jesus or whoever does that stuff. I'm not really sure.
JASON: Son of God.
PLUG: Son of God, yeah. That sounds good.