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Let's Don't Lunch

My boss caught me eating almonds out of a baggie at my desk and asked to have some. On the one hand it's only a few almonds, and okay, she gave me a job. On the other hand, my boss smokes like it cures cancer and I don't want the fist that blocks phlegm to rub against food which I specifically purchased for its non-tar properties.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable when I say that coworkers should never be allowed to look at my food. If I hear footsteps approaching my cubicle, I will put a piece of paper over my sandwich. If I have to eat with my hands instead of venturing into the office kitchen to get utensils, so be it. I will do whatever it takes, as long as the food that I purchased remains for my eyes only.

One day during lunch I hand-wrote a sign that read Gone Fishin' with backwards N's and everything. It was fucking cute. I hung the sign outside of my cubicle and unzipped the baggie around my sandwich. Seconds later my boss placed documents on my desk so I thought, Hey, you know, people aren't understanding the sign. Maybe I need to be a bit more direct.

I taped an addendum to the sign that read Be back at 2 PM… Bother me then. And still my boss hissed “psst” and laid papers in front of my face. Now mind you, I was listening to music on my headphones and had my hands full of sandwich. It seemed pretty clear to me that I was at lunch.

I know, I'll put a big ass piece of Scotch tape across the door of my cubicle. Kind of like make-shift police tape. And when my boss leaned over the tapeline and tapped me on the shoulder to ask why tape was across my doorway, I'd already decided whether or not I was going to pour a drink as soon as I returned home. I was.

Issue #43: Scratch & sniff for yourself... Mongolian Beef!
Issue #43