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T-Shirt Obituaries, Vol. III

 
  Giant Wolf Face T-Shirt (2004 - unknown)
Survived by J. Astra Brinkmann

Born in a sprawling factory in the fall of 2004 to an unloving group of machines, Giant Wolf Face immediately sought a new roof to live under and a warm body to adore. Giant Wolf Face didn't have to wait long, as a young lady with an affinity for unusually soft t-shirts named J. Astra Brinkmann quickly ordered it. She welcomed Giant Wolf Face into her home, admired its fine pistachio hues and flattering cut and wore it for many years, until tragedy struck. Another young lady "borrowed" the t-shirt from Ms. Brinkmann and absconded to Florida. The whereabouts of Giant Wolf Face are presently unknown, but it is survived by the mournful Ms. Brinkmann, who attempted to buy a replacement (shown above) t-shirt to ease her loss. Ms. Brinkmann says of Giant Wolf Face, "I have never owned a such a comfortable garment. But most of all, Giant Wolf Face will be remembered fondly for its front-side display of a giant wolf face."

 
 

 

 
  Rock The Mullet T-Shirt (2000 - 2007)
Survived by Tracie Masek

Rock the Mullet t-shirt was given as a gift by Ms. Jenny L. Hoffman to Ms. Tracie M. Masek to celebrate Ms. Masek's 18th birthday in July 2000. The t-shirt marked the raging trend of spotting and laughing at mullet hairstyles worn by people attending REO Speedwagon concerts. This was still slightly before the mullet hairstyle was made ironically trendy by certain hipsters.

Later in the summer of 2000, The Mullet Shirt, as it was known to friends, was worn by Ms. Masek to the Poison Glam Slam Metal Jam at Polaris Amphitheater in Columbus, Ohio. Ms. Masek attended the Quiet Riot meet'n'greet after the show, and Frankie Banali, Quiet Riot's drummer, had this to say about The Mullet Shirt: "Sweet shirt, dude."

By 2003, everyone knew what a God damn mullet was already, and The Mullet Shirt swiftly fell out of fashion. Ms. Masek kept the shirt in the bottom of her dresser drawer on top of a Dave Matthews Band t-shirt that was also showing its age.

In the summer of 2007, Ms. Masek decided to commemorate the t-shirt by having it memorialized in a quilt. The quilt was hand-sewn by some Amish friends of Ms. Masek's grandmother. Rock the Mullet t-shirt now rests peacefully in between an old softball jersey and a Kermie Letterfrog t-shirt.

 
 

 

 
  Tony T-Shirt (2007 - 2007)
Survived by Mason Gentry

Tony was purchased on a whim in the spring of 2007. He died a few months later from a mysterious illness. After a long and frustrating investigation it was determined that Tony was offed by a prescription strength acne medication. Turns out, if you use your shirt once or twice to dry your face after cleansing, it will turn pink. And when you shoot off an angry email explaining what happened, the manufacturer will act flummoxed because apparently "it's common knowledge that Benzoyl Peroxide stains clothing."

Although Tony is dead he'll occasionally peek his head up from the grave; often when a plumbing pipe bursts or a lawn needs mowing.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you punch the makers of Triaz ® in the groin should you ever meet them at a cocktail party.

 
 

 

 
  Soft Blue Shirt (2002 - 2008)
Survived by Erin Glaser

One might say that the life of Soft Blue Shirt really began in the Fall of 2002 when it was adopted by a 27-year-old woman who apparently enjoyed wandering through used clothing stores buying shirts with her eyes closed. The detailed origins of Soft Blue Shirt are unclear, but judging by the shirt's slogan (“Sparky's Electric Company: We Turn You On”) and size (somewhere between Fat Toddler and Bulimic High School Junior) it can be assumed that the shirt originally hailed from either American Eagle or the Forever 21 kids outlet (Forever This Many). Lauded for its luxurious yet thin cotton blend, Soft Blue Shirt was always the first one picked for a Jaws marathon or for an entire weekend spent leisurely cleaning out the bathroom cabinets.

As the years went on, however, its somewhat libidinous slogan made travel for Soft Blue Shirt next to impossible; any trips outside the house became necessarily brief, full of furtive hem tugging and crossed arms. Resuscitative efforts were finally taken one day in early 2008 when a surgery was undergone to dismantle Soft Blue Shirt's slogan by transforming it into a halter top. The operation proved successful and “Electric”, “We Turn”, and the grinning light bulb were effectively eradicated. Such a terrible twist of fate, then, when Soft Blue Halter proved completely unwearable outside of an afterhours strip club or a Las Vegas carport swimming pool. Soft Blue Shirt is survived by two siblings, “My Face Leaves In Ten Minutes—Be On It” and “Kitty Not Happy”. Neither shirt could be reached for comment.

 
 

Issue #41: April Issues Bring Pant Showers
Issue #41