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Plug / CounterPlug: Snore
(Originally appeared in Issue #19)

 

I Don't Snore
by Jay Carlson

Jay uses a spitoon whenever possible.I don't snore. I do a lot of unattractive things when I sleep, like look cute and smile a lot, but c'mon. Snoring is for people who are my dad.

 

 

 

You Snore Like It's An Olympic Event
by Patti Carlson

Patti makes her own clothes out of potato sacks.Jay snores. It's a fact. I know, because I am the one who is awake and he is the one sleeping. Jay is one of those people that can fall asleep within seconds of turning off the light. I, however, stay awake for about fifteen to thirty minutes while pondering things like man's existence and what I should have said to that construction worker who called me “baby.” Meanwhile, about two minutes after he falls asleep, Jay begins to snore. He does so quietly at first, but the decibel level gradually builds toward crescendo until it sounds like there's a freight train in our bed. Eventually he snores so loud that he actually wakes himself up, but then he immediately falls back asleep. When this happens, he usually stays quiet long enough for me to drift into blissful slumber. Until then, Jay serenades me with the most God-awful sounds his mouth and nose are capable of producing. Make no mistake, boys and girls, this man snores.

 

If I Do Snore, It's Not That Loud. -- P.S. You Are Crazy
by Jay Carlson

Jay walks away from spitoons whenever possible.So Big Brother is watching, but who is watching Big Brother? I think what we have here is an age-old case of whoever smelt it, dealt it. Perhaps you, Patti, are the one who snores when you fall asleep, and in your dreams you think it's me. Granted, I don't always remember every minor detail of every minute while I'm asleep, so "the law" probably says my argument isn't "airtight." But I know my body. I know I don't snore, just like I know I don't have breast implants... anymore. P.S. You are crazy.

Some Will Be Had... By You! (A Rebuttal Extraordinaire)
by Patti Carlson

Patti after a reality show makeover. Yes, she does have matchsticks for legs.You think you're so sneaky, using your pocket tape recorder on unsuspecting innocent people? Have some! How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine? It's no wonder I have nightmares all the time, what with you making monster noises in my ear. Perhaps you should spend less energy arguing about how you don't snore and put that energy into not snoring.

 

Issue #39: The Patti Issue
Issue #39