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Mystery Can: Jason's Journal

 

DAY ONE

Upon shaking the cans I have chosen the one that seems most "watery" due to the fact that I pray for a nice can of soup with my black bean burger. It looks like some kind of soup. It is definitely very watery. All I know from looking at it is that I can see tomatoes, corn, lima beans, and numerous other unidentified chunks. Whatever this is... it tastes like bile. Chunky, warm V8 or something. The funny part is, it goes quite well with my entree. I sincerely hope I never have to eat anything like this again, but it is far better than I expected.

 

 

 

 

DAY TWO

Tonight I chose the can with the least amount of movement. My guess is green beans.

Cream style corn! I can’t claim to love the stuff, but this is a godsend. My tongue is burnt, my stomach is full, the bowl is empty, and my confidence is growing. I may be able to get through this challenge just yet.

DAY THREE

I hate Jay. Canned Beets? Holy shit. My family never cooked food like this, so I have no idea what to expect. Luckily my entree is tofu dogs, which seem to go with just about everything.

Jesus Christ, these are disgusting. I warmed them up. I don't know if I was supposed to do that or not. Thank God this is out of the way.

 

 

 

DAY FOUR

I was unable to eat any mystery can items over the last two days due to the beets on Thursday causing me to vomit and embark on a two day bender. Now I am healthy and ready for what awaits me. I am going out to dinner this evening so I am preparing the mystery can with my lunch. Baby corn? It's long, it's skinny, and it doesn't really have a taste. There are only about fifteen of these things in here, so this will be the second night I will finish the entire can. Not bad. Not bad at all.

 

DAY FIVE

Beets again. Jay can no longer call me a friend. I wish I had a photograph of my face when I discovered the contents of this can. My re-creation does no justice. For the first time in this event I have had to actually pinch my nose and hold my hand over my mouth while I try to chew and swallow the food. No measurement has been taken, but I’ve eaten at least half of this can. I would love to eat more, but I believe it is time to go vomit once again.

 

 

 

 

DAY SIX

What the hell is this? It smells like beef stew. I'm going to eat it anyway. Jay promised everything was strictly vegetarian.

Not bad. Some kind of soft little beans floating around in brown water. This complements the beauty that is a meatless riblet very well. One night left, and with beets out of the way I am ready to meet whatever challenge awaits.

 

DAY SEVEN

Beets. Beets, again. Jay is dead to me. I left this very small can for last. I thought I was smart. I thought it would be black olives or mushrooms and I could just throw them on my pizza. No. Beets.

It is done. I have survived. I have grown. I have become a better man for this. I can't decide if I want to punch Jay or kiss him. Maybe both, I like it rough. Thank you and goodnight.

 

Read Jay's Week of Mystery Can
-or-
Gorge on Mystery Can II
(Issue #36)

Issue #30: The Food Issue
Issue #30