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The Writing's On The Cake

Please enjoy this free and non-poisonous cake!

Whenever I step into a bakery, I can't help but think of inappropriate cake messages. Back in Issue #4, I asked an employee at a bakery to write Please Enjoy This Free and Non-Poisonous Cake (seen above) and documented the process. You'll be pleased to know that twenty-six issues later, I haven't matured one bit. Patti and I went to a grocery store bakery and mulled over the cake options for a friend's birthday. Below is the story of a new cake message that I've been itching to have written.


PLUG:  [to Cakewriter] Can you write on these round cakes, or is it only the sheet cakes?

CAKEWRITER:  We can write on all of them. Do you want something written on that one?

PLUG:  Yeah. Are you going to be the cakewriter?


PLUG:  Can I get that written on the cake? [hands Cakewriter the note pictured to the right] Is that all right?

CAKEWRITER:  [laughs] Yeah. As long as there's no profanity on it, you can write it. [takes cake into back area]



I didn't wash my hands. Sincerely, The Cakewriter


PATTI:  Is she doing it right now?

PLUG:  Yeah. She's doing it right now.


CAKEWRITER:  [laughs] I just read the whole thing! I only read the top part and then washed my hands.

COWORKER:  What did you do? Mess up?

CAKEWRITER:  No. I was writing it, but I didn't see what... I didn't finish reading his note. And at the end it says Sincerely, The Cakewriter making me the bad guy.

PLUG:  Aw, no. You're not the bad guy!

CAKEWRITER:  Here you go. [hands back the cake]

PLUG:  Thank you very much. What's the oddest thing you've ever written on a cake?

CAKEWRITER:  I think that tops the cake.


CASHIER:  How are you?

PLUG:  Good. How are you?

CASHIER:  [scans cake and stares at it]

PLUG:  Can you read it?

CASHIER:  All I read is I didn't and then The whatever.

PLUG:  I didn't wash my hands. Signed, The Cakewriter.

CASHIER:  Aw. That's cute.

PLUG:  Thanks.


PATTI:  That's cute?

PLUG:  Health code violations are adorable.

PATTI:  Aw. Salmonella.




PLUG:  We got you a cake.

DAVE:  I didn't wash my hands... [laughs] Did you choose that one when you saw it or did you have them do that?

PLUG:  I had  them make it.

DAVE:  That's hilarious. [laughs] What did they say when they were doing it?

PLUG:  Well, I wrote the message down on a piece of paper and she only read the top half and she was like, this is really funny! After she wrote the top half she got to the Sincerely part and she was like, oh.

DAVE:  [laughs]

PLUG:  Anyway, enjoy your cake.

DAVE:  You really had me worried at first when you took the cover off. I thought there were going to be fireworks or a snake would jump out. But then I looked at it and was like, that looks like a normal fucking cake.



Issue #30: The Food Issue
Issue #30