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Coke Nail: A Journal To Learn From

 

October 7th

I usually trim my nails, oh, every two weeks or so. For some reason I forgot to clip the pinky nail and that clinched the deal; I might as well grow a cocaine nail.

After an office meeting I blurted to my coworker, "Hey, so I'm growing a coke nail." I showed her my progress and she laughed and laughed, covered her mouth, and laughed some more. She then told me about how I reminded her of a woman cabbie she had who said that Mariah Carey would be more popular if she invested in a good pant suit.

 

October 17th

You know how you recreationally pick your nose with your pinky? You know, in private? I can't do that anymore. Nor wiggle-scratch the interior of my left ear. Nor adjust myself "down there." I'm surprised people who legitimately grow these nails sacrifice months of simple pleasures for a few hours / minutes / seconds of bliss?

But aren't you doing the same thing, only without the reward of snorting cocaine?

Touche. And shut up.

 

October 30th

I used to be a chronic nail biter. I've really curbed the desire, but damn that nail is looking like a mirage of a t-bone steak. Patti would like nothing more than for me to get rid of it because it's "gross." I'm no quitter. If this is the marriage deal-breaker then so be it.

"Yours is longer than mine," Patti said.
I responded, "Whose fault is that?"
"I'm withholding sex until you cut it."
"Fine, we'll compromise. I'll wear a thimble."

 

November 8th

My hairstylist told me that hair and nails grow at the same rate. This is the third time she's told me this, so I can only imagine my nail must look freakishly long.

Every time I am forced to shake someone's hand I have nightmares that it will end in tragedy.

 

December 13th

A month since the last entry, really? Huh. I guess the longer you have a coke nail, the more tolerant you become.

The amount of nail growth in the past month seems to be minimal. I did notice today that the nail took a non-linear, kind of warping path. It's resembles less of a shovel and more of a Frito.

 

December 23rd

I've made an important decision. I've decided to cut off the coke nail. I look forward to sex again and typing without error.

R.I.P.
Coke Nail

October 7th - December 25rd
Friend, Scratcher, Lover & Gross From Day One

 

Issue #27: I Like To Toast. You Like To Drink.
Issue #27