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Fort Polio

I didn't have cable growing up, so I spent a bulk of my adolescence building forts out of couch cushions and blankets. I spearheaded so many forts that it blew the couch's mind. I was hardcore. Patti, on the other hand, had never built a couch fort and didn't know the joy of sandwiching her body between the armrest and the coffee table. I set out to show her what she'd been missing, and invited Jason to weigh in on my creation, too.


11:46 a.m.


It's been a very long while since I've made a fort and I realize that I don't remember where to start. I've got a couch, pillows, sheets, and vacuuming is definitely a requirement. The couch is filthy and disgusting. Building a fort is a lot of work that I didn't plan on. When I was a kid I obviously didn't care if people put their hands on the spot where the dog peed.





12:13 p.m.



PLUG:  Pillows should do what I tell them to do. I can't decide if I want separate rooms or one big room. I should draw a blueprint because I want something with a trap door. Wait, what are those called? A secret passage!

PATTI:  Forts have rooms?

PLUG:  Mine do. This is the east wing.

PATTI:  What are you going to call your fort?

PLUG:  Probably Fort Polio.

PATTI:  Why?

PLUG:  Well there's the thing that if you switch the letters it's portfolio. Mostly, though, I thought polio was a cool fort name, but probably not a very happy, positive name. Another option is Fort Awesome, but that's kind of obvious. There's probably a lot of Fort Awesomes.

PATTI:  Uh huh. What about Fort Super Awesome? Like, having a power is not as good as having a super power.

PLUG:  Interesting. You've really taken it to the next level.





12:31 p.m.


PATTI:  What's the purpose of your fort?

PLUG:  To do it.

PATTI:  No. I mean, are you protecting a city?

PLUG:  Protecting a city?

PATTI:  Isn't that what forts do?

PLUG:  I guess in the real world. My fort is for comfort and hanging out and watching TV.

PATTI:  So there's no Spanish gold doubloons?

PLUG:  [laughs] I'll plant a twenty dollar bill inside and draw you a hidden treasure map if you want.

PATTI:  So it's a historic fort?

PLUG:  No. It's a fort like if we were Swiss Family Robinson and we had to build a shelter out of what's laying around.

PATTI:  But then that's not a fort. It's a dwelling or shelter or a house. I just want to know about the fort in context. I'm trying to understand your motivation.

PLUG:  My motivation is that it's something to do.






12:48 p.m.



Forts take a lot longer to build than I remember, but I've got my rhythm down now. I'm doing better than a fifth grader could. In your face, imaginary child.

PLUG:  What do you think of my vision so far?

PATTI:  Uh. Do forts have ceilings?

PLUG:  Well, yeah. When you put the blanket over it, that becomes the ceiling.

PATTI:  And what do you do with it when it's done?

PLUG:  You play in it.

PATTI:  Who? You?

PLUG:  Yeah. Everybody. Us. The neighbors. Have you never built a fort before?






1:15 p.m.



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Issue #26: Watch Our Back
Issue #26